Love your PETfood by Kris P. Kreme
Rex has a life no one would envy, bitchy entitled wife, Melissa, spoiled daughter, Mallory.
After a week of hell with both of them, Melissa’s mention that she wrote a reminder on the calendar about his preparing her a gourmet lunch offers devious inspiration. The day is February 20 and Rex sees that date is marked as Love Your Pet Day.
So Rex finds himself shopping for cheap humiliating ingredients for that lunch at Pet Palace, where he buys Basic Bitch Chow. He even finds a fitting cat substitute for the organic health milk his daughter pitched a hissy fit over.
But when they taste the pet food he decided they deserve, will they be disgusted or something much less expected?
February 20 is Love your Pet Day… and while he might have no pets, one man is about to celebrate everything that day will mean to his sanity.
Rex has had a twenty year marriage to Melissa, the soundtrack of that marriage being her constant bitching and complaining about how dumb he is, useless… so many other similarly insulting words. And while he just doesn’t care enough to argue anymore, the apathy the only reason he hasn’t just gotten divorced, lately having their college-aged daughter around isn’t making life any easier.
If Melissa is a bitch to him all the time, their daughter Mallory has only followed her example. So on a morning where Rex is just sighing over his cup of coffee, staring mindlessly out the window of the hell that is his life, the last spark of rebellious inspiration is about to change Rex’s life in ways he never imagined.
With Mallory asking about some weekend salon to look her best when she returns to campus, yet another expense Rex will of course take care of, Melissa is mocking her poor excuse for a husband, Mallory laughing at the man who pays all her expenses… and both of them are complaining about the efforts he makes.
Apparently he bought the wrong milk, not the Kitty Cream brand Organic Health Milk that Mallory demands to help her avoid the freshman fifteen. Apparently he also forgot that his wife has demanded he prepare her a gourmet lunch of the quality her delicate palette deserves, something with protein and healthy ingredients. But when Melissa mentions she wrote it down on the calendar because of his idiocy in remembering… something on that calendar inspires Rex.
Sure enough, Melissa did write down for him to prepare her a lunch on February 20, but when he lifts his thumb from the date, Rex spots the little words marking February 20 as Love your Pet Day… and that forms a little glimmer of a rather crude joke he can play on both Melissa and Mallory as they go out together to spend his money.
A short time later, Rex finds himself going right past the usual health market that would carry all the ingredients for a gourmet lunch, his daughter’s precious Kitty Cream brand organic health milk… and he instead parks outside Pet Palace, a place that sells everything pet-related.
Inside, Rex grins as he asks for the cheapest dog food they carry, and even Ty, the store employee mentions that the wet dog food on the seldom-shopped aisle may have unwanted effects, so he should let them know or watch for such effects. But this bargain aisle also has a cold storage section and that is where Rex also finds a brand of cat milk called Pussy Cream, specially formulated for female cats in heat.
Chuckling, Rex has both the Pussy Cream brand cat milk and a fittingly named Basic Bitch Chow dog food, and is heading home. But will his intended act of revenge in such a cruel prank of feeding his wife dog food or letting Mallory drink cat milk actually inspire the anger and humiliation he intends… or will such cheap pet food products bizarrely turn Melissa and Mallory’s minds into the simple mutt mind a bitch deserves, a purring affectionate kitty mind Mallory enjoys?
Everyone has bitches to deal with, but maybe they’d all be easier to deal with if they were fed what they deserved. Rex may forever remember February 20 as a day to Love your PETfood.
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