Dec 21 2016

Go Elf Yourself on Kris-mas!

Go Elf Yourself by Kris P. Kreme

Go Elf Yourself by Kris P. Kreme

Earl the mall elf is more interested in the young moms and hotties shopping or working the mall than anything to do with kids or helping Santa.

Everyone knows his arrogance and slimy habit of hitting on any woman that crosses his path.

This year however, things are changing as clueless real elves see him getting insulted and mistake him for a rarely seen elder elf, one clearly in need of help.

Magic dusting Earl without his knowledge, any insult tossed in his direction by a woman he encounters will be immediately reversed onto her and the results are something only a pervert like Earl can truly appreciate.


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Every woman of nearly any age who is attractive and visits a certain mall around the holidays has suffered through an encounter with Earl, the mall elf that even Frank the mall Santa can’t stand. If there’s a bigger creep and a lower classed pervert around, no one has a clue where he might be because Earl takes the prize.

If it weren’t for the fact Earl’s rich daddy owned the mall he’d have been likely fired if not prosecuted many times over by this point but as it is, Frank the mall Santa is about as close to having the unfortunate responsibility in reining in the jerky loser of a lech.

Famed for his cheesy pickup lines, and equally famed for not caring what horrible comeback the women he uses those lines on toss back in his face, Earl is a carefree hapless misogynist who sees pretty women as little more than entertainment and each one a potential for a good time. What Earl has no idea of this particular year is that what’s really important isn’t how the women see him, but how a couple of unnoticed guests to the mall see him.

Vinnie and his cousin Grinnie are actual elves, young elves who have slipped away from their elf schooling at the north pole to learn about humans the best way possible, by observing them in their natural habitats. Of course the last thing Vinnie and Grinnie expected was to have a chance encounter with a rarely seen elder elf, and as tall and impressively clothed as this Earl character is, he simply must be a super elder elf.

What bothers Vinnie and Grinnie though is how harsh and disrespectful the women this elder elf speaks to are to him. They are horribly ungrateful for such an honor as Vinnie and Grinnie would both love to have, a meeting with this elder elf.

Watching as Earl is shot down constantly, as he happily goes on his way and as usual lets the insults and comebacks roll off his shoulder, Vinnie and Grinnie reach a decision. Naturally all elves have magic dust they use to both conceal themselves from being spotted and help in their work, but it’s completely prohibited to use the magic dust on humans. That unfortunately means they can’t strike back at the women verbally lashing and cursing this no doubt highly respected and honorable elder elf named Earl.

However, as Vinnie says, there is no rule about not using the magic dust on other elves, and even if Earl doesn’t know they are present to witness his brave resistance to using his own dust, he is an elder elf they can help out. Together Vinnie and Grinnie decide a simple reversal dusting should do the trick and help keep the disrespectful comments at Earl under control.

Meanwhile Earl the mall elf with an attitude as big as his erection always is has taken a break and is currently trailing a hot business exec up the elevator, tossing some lines at the woman. No one has any clue just what the magic dusting has done to Earl’s game until the inevitable happens and she tells Earl to go fuck himself.

It isn’t a line unheard often by Earl as aggressive and slimy as he can be, but the next moments are definitely moments unheard of and unseen by anyone in the mall as the woman he was just hitting on shaking and trembling, having an intense desire she can’t ignore to drop right there at the top of the escalator and do exactly what she told Earl to do… go fuck herself.

It may be only the beginning of a new chapter in Earl’s life, and for once he may have more of a love life than he can handle alone as anything shouted angrily at him is reversed onto the woman who shouts it, in only the most instantly satisfying way.

Just where will the day take him, what will Vinnie and Grinnie the young observing elves think, and will Frank the Santa have new reasons to be both angry at Earl and jollier than ever? Find out in the tale that tells it like it is… that tells you to Go Elf Yourself.

On the seventh day of Kris-mas, a depraved little man with no luck had a literal reversal of fortune thanks to some unknowing elves.

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On the next day of Kris-mas… Kris-mas is the time to Donnie your best apparel.